How to help a child survive a parent's divorce? What to say

And the first, and sometimes the most important question that arises in this regard and which no more or less responsible parent can pass, is what and how to tell the child about the divorce and changes in the life of the family.

What and how to say?

Well, if both mother and father take a single and clear position, they will not hide anything and keep silent. After all, any omissions and whispers increase the tension of children, increase their curiosity, arouse suspicion and can provoke absolutely fantastic assumptions in a child. Therefore, it is necessary to take care of the child's feelings and give him enough information so that he does not fantasize, because sometimes other fantasies will be much more painful than the truth. It must be remembered that children tend to feel responsible for all the tragedies that take place in the family. From their point of view, the reason for the divorce is quite obvious: parents quarrel or disagree because of their bad behavior.

To reduce the traumatic heat for the child, sincerity and clarity in explaining the situation. In explanations it is important to take into account the age, individual characteristics of the child, the possibility of awareness of what is happening. You can not lie to children. Constant omissions can lead to fears and other undesirable effects, especially since the child will still sooner or later find out about everything. On the other hand, it is clear that sometimes it is impossible to tell the whole truth about your relationship with your husband without injuring a child.

The most correct thing is to give the child a simple and understandable explanation. And this is a very important moment in the development of your future relationship, both with your ex-husband and with your child. The older and more mature the child, the more you can tell him. If he is very small, it is better to postpone the conversation until the moment when he has questions about his father.

It is enough for a preschooler to say that dad will no longer live with you, but will come. The wording is most accessible to a small child: “Dad will move, he will not live with us anymore, but he will come to us and you will be able to see him as much as you like.” It is clear that such words must be supported by the conscious agreement of the parents.

When talking with a teenager, it is also not necessary to go into a detailed explanation of the reasons and circumstances of the divorce, it is unacceptable to explain the divorce by the failure of the spouse. It is also not necessary to speak about the violation of marital fidelity, as well as about other cases when the actions of your husband have degraded your dignity. After all, it is quite possible that the question “Why?” Will not follow at all, since children tend to accept circumstances as they are. However, unfortunately, statements like: “Dad is bad, we kicked him out and will not let us go again” are very popular. Such an approach can seriously traumatize your child who loves his father as much as his mother.

It is necessary to separate the relations of the separated spouses from the attitude towards children. The child must clearly see and understand what awaits him, what will be his future relationship with his father, whether he will meet with him. For a child of any age, it is important to know whether, after a divorce, his parents will continue to love him and whether they will always take care of him. Therefore, it is necessary to explain the situation to him in a clear and accessible way and to draw his future in a positive light.

If you have a girl

It should be borne in mind that girls more often than boys have experiences associated with the divorce of parents in themselves, while their external behavior can almost not change. However, other signs of experiences may well appear: decreased performance, excessive fatigue, depression, refusal to communicate, tearfulness, irritability. Eczema, gastritis, stuttering, intrusive movements - all these are the most typical manifestations of the internal stress of children, with the help of which they invite adults to think about the family climate.

Therefore, you should listen to your daughter if she suddenly starts complaining about her illness. Sometimes this behavior serves one purpose — to attract the attention of parting parents, to hold their bonds together, or at least to make sure that they have not fallen out of love. And if with all this the girl, distracting herself from family misfortunes, jumps and jumps in the yard without experiencing any inconvenience, then do not rush to accuse her of pretending.

All that she talks about, she really feels, and your main task is to prevent such sensations from becoming fixed, as this can lead to various somatic diseases. During this period, it is necessary to give it a maximum of time and attention. Many of the girls who outwardly seemed to have overcome the crisis, reaching maturity, suddenly became deeply worried, lost their ability to choose, were afraid of betrayal and betrayals in intimate relationships.

Do not turn the child into your own psychotherapist

So, it would seem, everything is clear: it is necessary to separate the claims to the spouse from the relation to children, to tell everything to the child in the form accessible to him. However, why do many people cope with this situation is not so easy, why do not reduce, and sometimes reinforce the child's experiences about divorce?

This is explained by the fact that adults, often not able to control their own experiences, change their attitude towards the child: someone sees in him the reason for the collapse of the family and, without embarrassment, speaks about it; someone wants to devote himself entirely to raising a child; Someone recognizes in him the hated features of the former spouse or, on the contrary, rejoices in their absence. In any case, the internal disharmony of an adult in a post-divorce crisis affects the upbringing of the child.

Some adults, absorbed in their own misfortune, give the child full details, forcing him to take the position of an arbitrator or judge. Children often witness stormy scenes and trials between parents when they are not shy about words and expressions. A husband leaving the family is usually perceived by the woman as a traitor, a scoundrel. Her typical reaction is anger, a sense of injustice, which consequently affects her behavior.

She finds for herself a lot of moral excuses for such behavior, and most important of them - "I act like that only for the sake of the child." And naturally, the children are on the side of the offended mother. However, this behavior quickly reveals its reverse side: “If a mother could be mistaken, this means that she, too, does not understand everything.” And then follows a new round of crisis - the fall of the authority of the mother.

So do not turn the child into your own psychotherapist! Do not confuse it with your spouse or parents, do not expect from him an adult understanding of what is happening - this will only add disappointment in family life for all of you. And as if your relationship with your former spouse did not develop in the future, remember that for children he still remains a father, and you will have to make many decisions with him.

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